The Midget Idjit's Journal
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| Thursday, September 18th, 2003 | | 11:30 am |
Update!
Ha. It's been a while. So here's what's up. Since July 1st, I've been with the most wonderful girl in the world, Kaeti. She really is indescribable.. And I don't think I've ever been so happy with any one person at any one point in my life. It's wierd to be continuously happy. I like it. I no longer live in Lansing. The house hasn't had power for a couple months now, and the village of Lansing has declared it unsafe to live in. They've apparently stuck stickers on the doors. Lovely. I'm in a rush to sell it and hopefully I will soon. I've gotten several offers, including one for $60k in cash. I live in Chicago now, with Kaeti. It's really awesome. We have so much fun together and we rarely leave the apartment... Well, that's because we have no money. I'm searching high and low for jobs. In the meantime I'm spending my days cleaning the apartment and waiting for my unemployment checks. Hmm.. What else? Kaeti and I have been making plans for the future. I think the both of us realize that we're not willing to give this up. Few people get this lucky, and stay this happy. We're talking about moving to Philadelphia when she gets out of school. She wants to move there to be close to her friends. I hope -my- friends will understand when the time comes for me to go. I think they will, especially James and Freddy... And I think Josh might come with. He's always wanted to live in New York. Philadelphia is close enough. I could just be being hopeful. I don't know. I've come to realize, though, that as much as I love my friends, I've inhibited a lot of opportunities just because of them. If things go well with Kaeti and she wants to go to Philly, damnit, I'm going, because I may never find something this good again and I'll be damned if I'm not going to hang on to it. I mean, fuck, how many people actually spend 2 1/2 months with someone, live with them, and -never- fight? Not once! I've got people asking me how we do it. I really don't know. It's like there's nothing to fight over, I guess. We understand each other, know where the limits are, and are content not to test them. Granted, 2 1/2 months isn't that long, but for some reason everything just feels.. well.. right. I guess that's corny. *shrug* Ok, this isn't supposed to be all about Kaeti, damnit! I miss my friends. It's hard being in Chicago because we're so damn far away from everyone and no one has the money to bring us any closer. I never see anyone anymore. It especially sucks not seeing Josh. We were back to seeing each other on a daily basis, and now with me so far away I haven't seen him in weeks. We still talk every day though. I'm optimistic that all of this will work itself out in time. Alright. Enough rambling. | | Thursday, July 3rd, 2003 | | 1:01 pm |
Proof that someone above is taking a shit on my head.
So I'm losing my job as of August 2nd. Bauer Buick has been sold. My one security is gone. My car is -still- impounded. I'm thinking of asking my mother to co-sign for a new one before Bauer is gone. I doubt she'll do it, but it's worth a shot. Marco's mom is a little closer to buying my house, but she has to get financed before Bauer closes, otherwise there's no chance of her being financed at all... Which means basically that I'm fucked. I'm not expecting power when I get home, even though today is Marco's birthday and we're supposed to have a party.. I'm thinking ComEd really doesn't give a shit. I'm dreading telling my mom about this. She's going to use it to pull me to AZ. I -don't- want to go.. But it's looking like my only option more and more... Which sucks, because I have Kaeti now, and all my friends are here and damnit, there's nothing in Arizona! It's the friggin desert! On the other hand, I could live at home and have it easy, go to school and not be stressed out... Well, over anything but maintaining a relationship with a girl in Chicago while I'm living in Tucson... Ok, reality is, that's impossible. So now what? | | Thursday, June 26th, 2003 | | 3:00 pm |
| | 2:53 pm |
I can't believe I'm being paid to sit and do LJ quizzes... Or that the last one didn't turn out in here. Bastard. FYI, I'm "Typical, Predictable Dyke."... A-yup. | | 2:52 pm |
| | 2:42 pm |
| | 2:23 pm |
It's 2:30, and I have no work to do.
The Spring Peeper is only .75 - 1.5 inches long, but is has a very powerful high-pitched whistle with the occasional trill that can be heard over long distances. Peepers are abundant in wooded areas in or near flooded ponds and swamps. In these ponds, the Spring Peepers will form singing choral groups, making sounds that can almost sound like jingling sleigh bells from a distance.What kind of Frog are you? | | 11:15 am |
My parents move to Arizona tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out what it is that bugs me so much about it.. It didn't bother me a week ago. I guess it's just scary to realize that my whole family will be in a completely different part of the country than me. They'll be out in the desert, not in the (formerly) ghetto-ass house I'm so used to, where I lost my virginity, started dating my first girlfriend, ran away from... Maybe I'm more concerned about losing my childhood house. Hrm. Well that's wierd. I thought I wasn't materialistic. I'm stressed. Duh. It's affecting my ability to be fun to be around, I think. I'm bitchy. I think I'm only nice to 2 people anymore. It's not on purpose.. I can't help it though. So far, I think my friends see that I'm stressed and just write it off. If they don't, they should. The girl I'm sorta-dating is going through some minor shit right now. Her dad was sick. He just needed some fairly routine cardiac surgery, and will be ok.. It bugged me, though, not to be able to be there for her. Ah, crap. That means I genuinely like her. A lot of little signals in my behavior tell me that, and I'm fighting to stay a few steps ahead of it. heh. It's not that I don't want a girlfriend, cause I do, and she's really cool and could be that.. But I don't want to bullshit around. I've never been one to do that. I want a relationship, and if I'm going to start on one, I want it to last. I want there to be enough to consider an experience when and if it does end. I hate starting to date someone exclusively for it to end less than 2 months later. What is the point of that? Wasn't that what everyone was doing in junior high? I think I've had enough of that, thanks.... The long distance thing doesn't bug me. She actually lives an affordable travel distance away, and I'm the kind of person who does crazy shit for girls.. So I'd probably join the Amtrak whatever-it-is-that-gets-you-a-discount program and go out there every weekend or whatever... But not if I'm going to find out that it wasn't worth it, or that it was a waste of both of our time.... But damn.. We do have a lot of fun together. I don't know. We'll see. Uhm.. Hmm... My boss is pissy. Probably because it rained on his golf game today. I should skip out before he thinks I'm instant messaging. Blah. I'm so damn bored. Current Mood:  bored | | 10:15 am |
| | Tuesday, June 24th, 2003 | | 12:09 pm |
My god I'm fuckin bored. And now I'm doing quizzes to entertain myself. | | 12:08 pm |
| | 11:51 am |
| | 11:17 am |
My life in a nutshell
Too much is going on right now in my life. Far, far too much. My car is impounded. I can't get it out until I pay the Illinois Secretary of State $200, then get a letter from them saying I paid it, plus proof of valid insurance... By the time that's done, I won't have the money to get my car out of the impound lot. Oh.. and I'm trying to sell my HP Jornada.. Anyone interested? :P To compliment the car being impounded, I'm sorta-dating a girl all the way the fuck in Lansing, MI. I rode the train out to see her this weekend. It was just awesome. Hanging out, smoking, and talking with Jessica and her gay boys was a nice break. The only negative at all was the fact that I couldn't get my mind off of all the things I have going on. Oh, and I'll likely be out of power yet again. Most of the papers I need for CEDA are in my car... And I don't have 3 grand. Kim is being a fuck, and doesn't seem to want to hang out with me.. Which makes me wonder what I did. I'm hoping I didn't insult her somehow or something. She knows I'm painfully honest sometimes.. Especially when I oppose something. I never meant to piss anyone off though. Oh, and here's a good shock! James got a job. He's working with Marco at the car wash making next to nothing. I really wish they'd both grow up and get full time jobs. Really. The Gay Pride Parade is this weekend! Jess and her friends are coming to my house for the day to go. I'm trying to get a big ol' gay group. I'm pretty sure I can... Except I think Kim might have sworn off the parade.. It's not the -coolest- thing in the world, but I've yet to see it once. I have no money... So no bars or anything fun for me for a very, very long time. Unless of course my friends decide to treat me. *hint, hint* :) I'm getting my house ready to show. I can't deny anymore that I absolutely have to sell it. Hell, if I don't, the government might take it. A lot needs to be done... But every day it gets closer and closer to looking like a Lansing house rather than a Sauk Village house. I suppose that's it for now. I should get back to work... Oh wait. There's nothing to do. Current Mood: bored | | Thursday, June 19th, 2003 | | 3:36 pm |
| | Monday, June 16th, 2003 | | 11:04 am |
Sometimes...
Sometimes I wish I could just shoot myself in the head. Sometimes I wish I was an asshole, who just didn't care about her friends, or whether or not they had everything they needed. Sometimes I wish I had friends who actually cared about me as much as I care about them. Sometimes I wish I could just snap, and tell everyone exactly what I think, regardless of how mean it sounds. Sometimes I wish I'd just opted to take the money and live with my parents, and do it the easy way. Sometimes I consider putting -me- first, putting my health and financial well being before being sure that my two boys are taken care of, and have everything they want... And then I get back to the beginning, and want to shoot myself all over again, because I know that's not me... But so does everyone else... And I know it's asking too much, but all I really want is a little understanding of the fact that I stand to lose everything -because- I care.. And some reciprocated help might be nice. Current Mood:  aggravated | | Monday, June 9th, 2003 | | 3:50 pm |
People in Milwaukee don't know where the hell they are.
That was my lesson for the weekend. I learned that not a damn gas station worker in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, has any idea where he or she is. I also learned that I can navigate there by pure luck. I wonder if that will work in Michigan.. So here's the story of my weekend, which I swore I'd write down: Saturday night, I picked up Josh and Kaeti, then some weed (no lectures please :P ) and headed off to Wisconsin at 2am. The entire ride it rained. We smoked. It worked. We arrived in Milwaukee at about 4am. The first thing we did, of course, was stop at a gas station and ask where we might be able to find a hotel. The man behind the counter simply looked at me and shook his head. He didn't even speak. I shrugged, and after Josh picked from the incredible array of flavored blunt wraps, we were again on our way, lost and loose in Milwaukee at 4 in the morning. I think over the course of the next 2 hours we managed to stop at 5 gas stations and 10 hotels. All of the hotels were of course, full. At one point, on 3rd street and Wisconsin Ave, we found 2 hotels next to each other. One called the Hotel Wisconsin, and a Best Western. Being that we recognized the name of the Best Western, Josh went in to ask about a room. They were full. We didn't bother to check the Hotel Wisconsin.... At about 6:30am, we still hadn't found a place to sleep, and were considering just crashing out in a parking garage, or on the side of the road. We passed the Hotel Wisconsin again. I asked Josh to go in and ask, even though they were probably full. Lo and behold, they had a room. The room cost us about $115 for all of us. The man working the desk felt bad about giving us a room for just 5 hours, and checked us in as though we'd checked in after 11am. Nice, huh? :) I thought so. We were so excited to have a room that we celebrated with a cotton candy blunt. :) (I wonder who came up with that one.) We then promptly passed out until 12:30pm. When we got up, we all took showers... (Separately, I guess I should say, in case Kim reads. Things like that need to be said for her.) Poor Kaeti somehow managed to drop her bookbag in the toilet. We didn't know this, though, when Josh and I suddenly heard uproarious laughter from the bathroom. So yeah.. That was amusing. Somehow, and I don't really know how, we managed to make the parade -just- in time. I didn't even know we'd picked a hotel that was 3 blocks from it, but when we finally made it outside, there was the parade. Drag queens and leatherdaddys and bulldykes, oh my! It was really a lot of fun. There was practically no turnout on the street, though, since it was still keeping a steady annoying rain. We followed the parade to Pridefest.. I saw something I never noticed at Chicago Pride while in WI... Maybe I've just overlooked this, but I've never seen religious zealots shouting through bullhorns before. I mean.. There were a bunch of them, carrying black and white signs, and actually shouting, "REPENT!" I honestly looked at one of them and said within earshot, "I'll repent when you lick my asscrack." I'm so sweet. :) I had this thought, while looking at one of those signs.. It read, "JESUS HATES SIN." I have a few questions for any christian reading this: Isn't hate a sin? The very verb, "to hate"? Isn't that in and of itself evil? And if so, wouldn't that make Jesus a sinner? Does he hate himself for it? And if so, isn't that yet another sin? The group of us got shamed by another zealot as we got nearer to Pridefest. I didn't see it, but apparently a woman holding a sign looked at the three of us and said, "Shame on you," and shook her head. I did see the sign the woman held.. It basically listed off a bunch of not-very-nice names. I thought name calling was a sin, too, last I checked. Anyway, I realized something while we were talking about this.. Of the three of us, the only one she really had any definite idea was a "heathen" would have been me. Josh and Kaeti just looked like regular people. I'm the baby butch (yeah Kim, I said it) wearing the hat and rainbow patches. So what did this woman think she knew? Pridefest itself was pretty boring. We got cheeseburgers, watched some gay boys twirl fake wooden rifles, then headed back to the car, and then the hotel room.. The rest of the night was fairly uneventful, until just before we checked out. We'd packed everything up, and were ready to go when we decided to "smoke the room goodbye." We just sat there, in the same fashion we had all day, smoking.. And the next thing we know someone is knocking on the door. "SECURITY" -- For some reason we scrambled to put everything away, light cigarettes, and look innocent, like a group of 16 year olds busted by their dad. The man told us to take our smoking somewhere else, and we told him we were checking out anyway. The wierd thing about this really, is that when we went to check out, the man at the desk practically begged us to stay, and the security guard actually apologized, as if -he- had done something wrong. It was very strange. So then we left. And that's the end of the trip, pretty much. A lot got left out, but most of the whole ordeal was really only funny to us anyway. It was great fun. Next stop: Lansing, Michigan. heh. Only this time it has little to do with pride. I met me a Jessica of my own. :P Current Mood:  amused | | Monday, March 10th, 2003 | | 10:12 am |
I'm finding myself more and more drawn to listen to 60's music lately. The songs of protest and cries for peace are something I can relate to. I am not a "hippie". I'm not "anti-war", in all cases. I'm anti-this-war. I don't think I've met a single person who doesn't realize how stupid all of this really is.. Then again, I've not met any Republican politicians. "There's battle lines being drawn. Nobody's right if everybody's wrong. Young people speaking their minds, Getting so much resistance from behind. I think it's time we stop, hey, what's that sound? Everybody look what's going down. " People my age, the "leaders of the future", the ones who will be physically -fighting- this war, I can't help but notice seem to find the war pointless. And the argument isn't as it was in the sixties. It's not about making love and not war, or even our foreign policy of getting in other countries' conflicts. It's about not fighting a war for stupid reasons. Not fighting a war based on greed and an over-inflated but bruised national ego. I know I can speak for at -least- 90% of the people I know when I say, "We don't want this war." -- Though somehow I doubt President Bush and the Republican party are really going to ask us individually what we think. The only issue they'll be interested in five or ten years down the line is how we're going to support them in their old age, and still pay off the war they initiated. I could go on to list every reason why I think this war is wrong. Why I'm so against it. I could stand up and scream them, deliver long rants and speeches to my peers about why we shouldn't go. I've already done it, several times. Instead of finding some sort of release in it, I'm only getting more frustrated.. Almost depressed. Nothing I say changes anything. We could all stand up and protest, gathering in groups and marching, as people are doing every day, and just like people did in the sixties. The problem is, I know we'll still go to war. The American Ego is too big. It didn't listen to it's own people in the sixties, and wound up broken and defeated in Vietnam. As I watch history repeat itself, I have to wonder how much it will compound. This time, we're spreading ourselves rather thin. We're playing with bigger toys, and finding a lot more resistance.. In some cases from our own allies. I think we as a people have a reason to be scared... And I am. | | Tuesday, February 25th, 2003 | | 9:47 am |
| | Thursday, February 20th, 2003 | | 2:12 pm |
Catharsis?
I was scared that day. I was -scared-. I could hear her breathing all the way across the room. She was pale, weak, and cold. I remember thinking that it was the worst athsma attack I'd ever seen in my life. I seriously thought she was going to die there, on my bed. I pleaded with her for an hour and a half to let me call 911, before I finally decided she was too sick to argue, and called. I had no idea why she didn't want to go to the doctor. I'd called her parents before the ambulance came, so her father was at the hospital when we'd arrived. I nearly rode -in- the ambulance. I didn't want to leave her side. She was my girlfriend, after all, and we'd been together almost a year. I stayed at the hospital with her father, worrying with him, until about 2am. By then, they had given her 3 breathing treatments, and she was on oxygen when her father and I went to the room to see her. She smiled at us, and made weak jokes toward her father. I felt safe leaving her, and I went home to get some sleep before work the next day. Immediately after work, of course, I was at the hospital. Her mother had called me at work and given me her room number. I parked my car, and walked into St. Margaret Mercy, scared all over again. I hate hospitals. Especially catholic ones. I arrived at her room to be greeted immediately by a nurse. I walked past her into the room. The nurse explained to me that Crystal was sedated, and that the large humming machine in the corner was working her lungs for her. She was on a respirator, because her lungs were too weak to breathe by themselves. And oh, by the way, would I happen to know what drugs she used? "Marijuana," I replied. It was all I knew about. I mentioned her having a cocaine problem in high school, but she'd long been off it. The kicker is, I -knew- she'd used heroin at least once. I honestly forgot, or perhaps supressed it. The nurse peered at me over her clipboard and tapped her pen. "Are you sure?, " she asked, "You see, we found large amounts of opiates in her system." The words floated over my head as I watched her lying there. All over again, I was as scared as I'd been the night before. My girlfriend was lying on a hospital bed, sedated, with so many machines, tubes, needled, and trodes that she looked like a laboratory experiment. Even my grandfather didn't have this much machinery. Crystal was 19 years old. It hit me over a year later, and about six months after I finally broke up with Crystal that she'd OD'ed. See, we didn't end over the drugs. To be completely honest, I didn't even know about them until after I broke up with her. Ok.. Maybe that's not true. I was in true and honest denial. I wouldn't admit it to myself. Josh would warn me, I'd confront her, she'd tell me he was lying, and that would be the end of it. Because I wanted to, I believed her. Heroin is a dirty thing. You don't want it to touch your life. Once it has, you don't want to admit it... And it never even has to enter your veins to fuck up your mind, forever. | | Monday, January 27th, 2003 | | 4:23 pm |
Ok, I'm posting some lyrics here just for me.. Just.. Cause. No particular reason. :-P It's a song I found on an old tape of mine, from back in the 7th grade. Labour of Love Oh am I fooling you? Do you fall for it all or do you just see right through? Are you as cool as you believe? Are you playing hard? Are you waiting just to quietly clock my card? are you waiting for a moment to leave? I don't know how I bent what you said to what I believe you meant I don't know anything at all I'm standing in the push and shove and I'm just within the rescue of the labour of your love I can't do anything but fall a-fall, a-fall-fall-fall Why do I feel like I can never find you? Why do I feel like I'm the only survivor? Why am I thinking of - you and me and the labour of love? One chance, one shot That's all anybody ever got Newborn still warm Naked in the rush hour Dancing in my gutter And if you want to find me Call me, I'll be far from The cars and guitars and Everybody Why do I feel like I can never find you? Why do I feel like I'm the only survivor? Why am I thinking of - You and me and the labour of love? And I never knew before But I feel like a child in a cold, cold war So strong, so tough Sitting in suburbia, waiting for the wind up And I don't want to dance I just want to jump from the prison of circumstance Why am I thinking of - You and me and the labour of love? Why do I feel like I can never find you? Why do I feel like I'm the only survivor? Why am I thinking of - You and me and the labour of love? Current Mood: indifferent |
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